I cannot stand living here anymore. I want to move far away, where no one has any opinions, where no one knows anything about me except for what i want them too. Somewhere were i can start over and be who i want to be. 
I was getting so much better, actually changing into a better person. Doing what I wanted and not holding back and being miserable for the sake of other people. But its was all a waste, Im right back where i started, probbably further behind than that.
I hate that I care for people so fast, so easily, and I mean nothing to them. And Im not talking about relationships im just talking people in general. I would go to the end of the world and back for most people, even though i tend not to show it in the best ways. I finally open up to someone for the first time in god knows how long, and what do i get but you to go and tell people. Just proving to me that i cannot trust anyone in this world. I cant tell anyone anything important here because god forbid someone keep a secret. 
I get that ive screwed up beyond belief but ive been trying to fix things. Ive tried everything, starting over in the same place were youve done so much wrong really doesnt work. 
I guess i never really got any better, I just got better at pretending i was okay.
But now its too hard to do that. I dont have a reason to get up in the morning. I dont have enough energy to get through a day, and when i try its too overwhelming.

its amazing how walking into one room, one building.
can bring back so much.
feelings i didnt think were there anymore.
but theyre back, and im feeling worse.

my life is just broken promises piled on top of eachother, one after another.  my friends suck. i finally thought i had found the right people, people that really cared and that i could trust. but it turns out i was wrong like always. ive realized that we are all alone in this world, no matter how hard it is for us to believe it. we have to figure out how to make it in this world without any help, because in some way or another the only thing that the people around you do, is hurt you. i always thought that my family could help me get through anything. that beyond all the stupid disagreements was something that was amazing. for as long as i can remember my life has just been falling apart bit by bit. and lately i dont think i can take it anymore. im sick of being promised things, that even though i have doubts about, i secretly hope that maybe that one time it might come true. i never thought that my mom, the one person that is supposed to support you throughout your entire life no matter what you do, would turn her back on me like this. i dont even know her anymore, and what really kills me is that i dont really want to either. i hate everything about her. she is ruining her life with me, and i dont think she realizes it. she is everything that i hate put into one person, and i gauruntee that i will never be anything like her. i would do anything to be able to move away right now. i cant stand newport or the people in it. i want to go somewhere where no one knows anything about me, and i can start my life over, alone as myself.
my self esteem has hit rock bottom. i never thought i could feel this way about myself. i would do anything to be beautiful. or atleast to find someone that really thinks i am amazing. i want to be someones absolute everything. im tired of being treated the way i have been. i look at myself and see nothing but hate. i need to feel like my life is worth something, that im not just a useless person,

theres so much more that i need to say.
im just too lazy to type right now.
rghthjiotgjn.

part of my wants to change, to just believe everything you say.
but then the other half of me doesnt want to.
you tell me all these things, but then dont prove them.
and honestly, words arent enough for me.

what i really need is just one person. one person that i can really trust. i have alot of really great friends right now, but i cant truely trust one of them. they have all broken my trust some way or another, and i hate it. i just want one person, one person i can tell everything to, my stupid thoughts, what im feeling, my opinions, and be able to feel like they wont tell anyone. i dont want to have to hesitate about what i say infront of certain people. but then i feel like i dont deserve a person like that, because im such a shitty friend. i should be exactly the friend that i would want to have. its just hard for me to be like that. ive changed so much lately and i love it, and im working on being a better person. its just sometimes i need someone to be there for me, im going through alot right now. and no one really knows about it. no one understands. i dont say anything because i dont want everyone knowing. 

im going to end up screwing someone over. ive gone and got myself into the most complitcated thing ever, and i have no clue how to get out. i dont want to hurt either of them, but i dont want to get hurt more. i dont want to make the wrong choice. i just want to be happy, but i dont know what i want. i need time.

i want a dad. more than anything. but its too late to have one the way i want. i just wish that i had someone i could call dad, have memories of growing up with them, i want to be a daddys girl. i never realized how much not having anyone like that in my life influenced me. dont get me wrong my mom has done an excellent job of raising me and my brother and sister basically by herself. i just keep finding myself longing for the perfect movie family. or atleast a decent father figure in my life. and now that im on the whole father subject, ive grown more hate for my actual dad. hes never made the effort, for my entire life, hes left it up to me to have a realationship with him. i think thats complete bullshit, he complains about not knowing me, when he doesnt try. he wants me to go see him, why should i have to fly to him, where i dont know anyone. stay with my own father, who is a complete stranger to me. i know nothing about his life, who he is, what hes like. so finally one day i figured hey im growing up, even though i shouldnt have to make the move, ill try to get to know this man that i call "my dad". i made the effort, i tried to talk to him, show him who i was, that i wanted to know him. because as much as i hated him, ive always longed for a dad. and it never really worked. for about a week we emailed eachother every day talked about completely pointless things in both our lives. he didnt try to get to know me, or let me learn who he was. he just asked how my weekend was, recent things that really dont matter. and then he stopped writing back. every now and then ill get a random email that asks how my day was, saying that hes thinking of me. and ill reply but still never get a response. honestly i cant stand him in the least bit. i dont know why i bothered trying with him, but i did, and he blew it. i dont want to know him, i dont ever want to meet him. i want nothing to do with him. i just promise myself every day that my kids will have a father in their lives from day one. they will never have to feel this want, and hate for something that everyone should have.

none of my friends understand what its like to not have money. and i dont mean money to go get those new shoes you saw and had to have, or the coffee your crave in the morning. im talking about the money for the food that you need to eat, for the bills that you have to pay, to clothes that you need. it pisses me off that everyones parents just throw money at them for everything they want. they have more than i have ever had in my whole life. they dont realize how much i have to work for, how much i worry about how im going to pay for all this cheerleading stuff, because their moms and dads are just writing them a nice check, while im crying and trying to find out how to get so much money so fast.

and since im on a role here, it really really really pisses me off when people say that i need to eat. theres only one person that ill deal with and thats jillian. shes the only person that knows everything that has happened, everything im going through, whats really going on. everyone else just knows bits and pieces of whats been happening. and they have no place to tell me what to do, and how to be healthy. 

it really bugs me that shes "changed your life". youve known her for less than a month, oh sorry tommorow it will be a month that you guys started talking. its such bullshit, i dont get how she helped you find who you really are, and helped you get the friends that you have in your life now. me and you have been through more than anything youve ever been through with anyone else, and i havent changed you at all. i havent helped you in the least bit, or atleast nothings said about it. this whole situation is fucked. 

theres so much more shit i need to get out but ill save that for later.

and once again once i thought everything was okay.
that I was okay.
everything just goes and falls apart.